Lori McLaughlin - Ashleigh Jordan

It was my first pregnancy. We found out a week before Christmas so we surprised everyone by giving them cards for Christmas saying they will soon be grandparents, aunt and uncles.

My pregnancy went great: not even morning sickness. I ate well and exercised frequently. We knew we were having a girl so we decorated her nursery as Precious Moments. We had her name picked out: Ashleigh Jordan. I had picked out that name a few years before because I loved it.

When I finally got to my 3rd trimester I felt that everything would be fine. I wasn't worried about anything going wrong. I went to childbirth classes and read up on all of the books on babies. I was so prepared for my little Ashleigh.

One night, my husband and I were up talking about how it could be any day now(she had dropped a week or two this) and about how our lives would change. I went to bed feeling fine and feeling her kicks. I woke up an hour later feeling wet. I turned on the light and I was bleeding so bad (feeling no pain). We rushed to the hospital. On our way there, I didn't feel her moving around but I figured she could be saved. Dr's save so many babies these days.

When we got there, they tried finding a heartbeat-there was none. The Dr came and he too couldn't find a heartbeat. They brought in a sonogram machine and verified that she had died. I felt I died with her. I just couldn't believe this was happening to me. I had prayed every night and went to church every week. What more could I have done? The Dr gave me the option of a c-section which I gladly agreed to. I was not in the mood to go through labor. During the c-section I felt pain in my side so I was put to sleep.

When I woke my family and in-laws were in the room holding my baby. They gave her to me, but I was so groggy I can't remember it too well. I do know she was so peaceful and looked like she was sleeping. They brought her back in later when I was more awake so I could see her again. That was August 4, 1997. She was 6 lbs 4 oz and had a head full of dark hair (we both have light hair). Who would've thought I would have to start thinking about a funeral for my daughter. At least my father took care of most of that.

The Dr told me the cause of death was vasa previa, which is when one of the artories is outside the umbilical cord instead of inside, and when my water broke the artorie ruptured.

Despite the Dr warning me about how long it would take to recover from a c-section, I was up walking that day so he sent me home the next day. Leaving the hospital empty handed was heartbreaking. We had a nice funeral for her and I was surprised at how many friends showed up. Everyone was supportive but unless you've gone through it, it's hard to understand.

I hated seeing pregnant women and their healthy babies. I wanted everyone to go through it so they could see what it's like. I wanted to tell them they were naive to think that everything would be ok. It was hard to watch tv where there were pregnant women and babies. I hated getting baby magazines and literature in the mail. I remember getting phone calls from portrait studios offering baby portraits. I finally yelled at one of them and told them my baby died and to leave me alone. I hated the remarks like "You're young, you'll have more children", "Now you have an angel in heaven", "Everything happens for a reason", and (I love this one) "God wouldn't let this happen to you if he didn't think you could handle it". If they think it's so easy maybe they should try it. I went back to work after 5 weeks because I hated sitting around the house. The holidays were awful, I don't know how I got through them. I hated getting pictures of babies and families and reading their letters on how happy there were.

Shortly after Christmas I discovered I was pregnant again. About 2 months. I was so happy but I was so scared too. I am happy to report that my 2nd pregnancy went well and I had a healthy baby boy on July 29, 1998.

It's still hard to see little girls who would be the age of Ashleigh and seeing what they can do. I keep thinking "that should be me". I only went to one support group meeting when Ashleigh died and I should've gone to more. I thought I could do it on my own. Having my son has helped some, but I'm still feeling so much pain and I wish she were here. When I see him do new things, I realize that I'll never see my daughter cry, smile, laugh, crawl, walk and all of the other things my son is doing. I have a picture of her hanging up (she looks like she's sleeping) and I try to picture what she would look like now. I know she's in a better place but that doesn't make it any easier.